English
At first I wanted to talk about friendship and stuff, but I changed my mind. I'll talk about yesterday and I will postpone that subject for a future post.

Yesterday I went to the cinema again. I saw Dr. Parnassus. The movie was interesting ... and sexy. I mean, so many stars crowded into one single movie ... I liked it. The surprise came out not from Heath Ledger whom I like very much, but from Andrew Garfield.

O-ok, I said it. Andrew was so cuuuute and sexy in the movie. It looks very nice with his hair cut, in my opinion.
(Huge disappointment for Mere Verzi: "Why ISN'T the devil sexy?")

Oh and I met Kirai, the nosy commenter of my blog ^^. She freaked me out... just a little bit. But she is nice, and cute. Just wanted to tell you Hiii, because I know you read my blog.

Anyway, the film was nice and Ledger's performance was very good. I'm sorry that he passed on.




*Silence*

English

January 15th. Evening.

I've talked to him again. We didn't talk much, I tried to tell him, to show him that I missed him, and that I'm a bit disappointed. Probably disappointed of myself ... cause I trusted him.

***
3 weeks ago I was in a bus coming from Budapest. It left from Vienna. I was one of the passengers.

It entered Romania for awhile. But I wasn't glad. Why? Because I wanted to be away ... I wanted to stop thinking about him... His missing was suffocating me. We were close to Arad. It was almost evening. Sitting on that seat all the way from Budapest had become monotonous and annoyingly uncomfortable.

English
It's cold. I push myself into the seat. I might get an answer from it. I don't. It trembles along with me. I'm tired and I tremble. My eyes are closing and I'm trembling. It steals me. A busy city arises when I raise my gaze onto the steamed window of bus. They go back home as well, I think. I can only hope that tomorrow they'll have the strength to smile again, although I know that this thought is naive. It's cold. Several pairs of eyes are scrutinizing me.

It's cold. But I don't tremble anymore...

You...

Românã

E frig. Mă împing în scaun crezând că voi primi un răspuns. Dar nu. Acesta tremură împreună cu mine. Oboseala mă ajunge şi tremur. Ochii mi se închid şi tremur. Mă fură. Un oraş ocupat răsare la ridicarea privirii mele peste geamul aburit. Şi EI se întorc acasă, îmi zic. Nu pot decât să sper că mâine vor putea zâmbi din nou, deşi ştiu că acest gând este naiv. Mi-e frig. Câteva perechi de ochi mă scrutează .

Mi-e frig. Dar nu mai tremur...

Tu...

~Rob
"Paint your own Life and Live in your own world."

English
Haven't you found your answers yet? Maybe you haven't searched in the correct place.
What about now?

Maybe I should help you a bit, eh?

(Thanks Kirai, without you I wouldn't have what to answer to)
How long has it been since you discovered that you are homosexual?
It's been a few years since I've realized what I really am, but it's been over 10 years since I've found men's body interesting.

What made you notice that?
I was very curious to find out things that were hidden to my acknowledge... especially things related to men. So, that's how I got interested in my dad's body and later on, in other men's body. I've soon realized I was more attracted to boys than to girls.

Nevertheless, a hint I was different is the fact that I was ashamed to change together with the boys in the locker rooms. I didn't like to let them see my body...Oh. and of course, I didn't feel attracted to girls. No matter how much I tried to find them attractive to me, they were only... beautiful. Nothing more.

English
Don't you have questions for me? ... I'm disappointed.

Well, if you don't have questions, I do. Why do you all read what I'm writing? Sometimes when I reread what I've written, I think it's stupid ... even if at that time of my life I had the impression it's nice ...
What do you think?

Ok-ok. I am not mischievous. I promised, I will :D. Did you think I was gonna let you wait more?

So, if you don't have questions, I should thank you for your opinions. I've already did this in the post, but I want to thank the persons who are continuously reading the blog.
Thanks Lala, you're awesome. You received what you wanted, now you have my ID.
Lilee, thank you for making time to read my blog ... Anonymous people, you know you are very cool :). Thanks so much for the opinions.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Just and Only, you should get to work and write as well ... :). Otherwise ... you're not gay at all. (laughing)

English
I find myself in the same lonely bus.

It's snowing again. And it won't stop. It won't stop because He knows that we don't like it. But if we do not like this either, then what do we like? Life is monotonous. Very monotonous. Days pass in the end, the years are déja-vús.

Are they ...? No! I can not let this ...

You've forgotten your childhood. And now you regret that you can not go back in time. Why would you do that? To have more time to see what you haven't seen? Do what you did not do? You don't need to go back in time. Trust yourself. Yes! Trust is what I can hardly see in you nowadays. You can do many things now. Do not go back in time.

Do not regret what you did and what not. Trust that you can change "that" something. And if you believe, I'm sure you will succeed. The snowflakes don't regret when they return again and again. For they come to show that they have not lost hope in you. One day you will realize that they come to tell you that no matter how weak you are, and no matter how quick you die, you can do many things. The point is to come back. With more confidence in yourself every time. More confidence that you will succeed.

English
The blog has been launched for over 2 months now and it already has a few visitors who permanently checks it.

What I am asking you is to drop your sincere opinion about this blog. And what makes you return. Or say anything you want to say about the feeling of reading my blog!

Or ask a question. I promise I will choose the best opinions and feature you in one of my future post and answer each question!

Come on, this is your chance to find out more about me! Don't waste it ;).

English
A few days passed since I've talked to him for the very first time. I remember perfectly that Friday night that I spent with him. I went to sleep at 4AM and I could hardly let him go.

What had happened that night? What did we do? Nothing, we just talked. And that's all. But he charmed me. Saturday I waited for him to sign in again, to talk again. I thought that I would die because of his missing. I've consoled myself with some music.

He hasn't signed that evening.
Another day has passed. Sunday. I waited again. But this time he signed. We joked. We laughed. We talked. About us, about fantasies, about situations. About life.

The hours passed quickly. Days passed in which I was always thinking of him. I've covered myself with other things trying to forget about him even for a few minutes. We've talked a little the following weekend. And the following weekend after the other one. Since then, however, we hadn't talked anymore.

I felt that I would break in two pieces if I won't talk to him soon. I was looking around me and saw things, people that made me relate them immediately to him. Dani, Cluj, missing.

I cried about his missing, but I could not tell him. I sent him some messages to which I didn't get a reply. Messages that were not connected to us. There were wishes for Christmas and New Year. Still ... I was listening to music and crying. Not because I was mat at him, but because I was missing him.

I continued to hope that we will talk sometime soon. I wondered why he disappeared so suddenly. We didn't have a fight. Which part of "You're special" has been lost on the way?

English
Budi has been telling me my latest posts are so emo, so dramatic... I know she doesn't like me this way, but there are feelings I can't control so I have to write about them. However, I am going to write a happier post now.

First of all, someone remembered me people can lose their hope. I am once again saying that you should not lose it. It should be the last thing to lose. For real. Please, don't forget to smile. Please...

So.... or how Budi says "Sou" XD.
Religion Class. What shall I do? Besides listening to what the teacher was saying about the same old shit in which I don't believe. Look... a butterfly.
Arrgh it's not a butterfly anymore. How shall I call this creature?

English
It's funny. I can't realize what made me like him that much. After that discussion I wished I could talk to him once again and tell him how much I missed him. Was it because he kept throwing with compliments at me, or because it was so nice to talk with him?

I don't know. All I know is he charmed me.
"There are many children who know many more things about life than some 18 teenagers." I said.

"You are one of them"
"I don't know, I don't think so. I never thought about myself as someone special. In fact, I have a very bad impression about myself."
"Boys like you are very smart, and they can understand life better than anyone else. You seem very mature, like you've lived for 50 years." he said.

Was he sincere?

"There might not have been 50, but 15 have."
What made him tell me all these things? Why did he have to say them? Just to take my minds away and disappear? What did he want from his life? What were his dreams?

"I wish I could do anything to have a happy life, a peaceful, a free one without many problems. And I wish I could help my favorite soccer team."
At least he had a dream. At least he wasn't confused about what he was wishing from his life.
It was my turn. Should I tell him how naive am I?

English
He has been on my Y!Messenger list for a few months. We haven't been talking that much about us. We probably had no idea about each other or how we are. He had a fantasy; to masturbate with a boy.

I've forgot his ID in my list. For a few months. During these months I've barely saw him online and I've tried not to start a discussion with him while he was online. I don't know why. Maybe because it made no sense to start one though.

22nd of November. "Who do you vote with?". I saluted him and politely said that I can't vote. I'm under the legal age. Neither was he, but he was just asking. He couldn't fulfill his fantasy yet. He told me that I have a nice look.

15 Minutes. "Frankly, you are a very interesting person...you can teach anyone something...". Was he trying to flatter me? I've tried to stop it: "If you are going to compliment me and forget about me, I'd prefer you wouldn't do that in the first place." Maybe if he would've stopped there, I would've been unable to feel how it is to truly miss someone.

"I'm sincere. I've been talking to many people but you are special".

English
Last night it snowed again.

It's Sunday; what a perfect day to... stay. But no! I've put on my headset and turned the music on I've started writing. But what?

Well, I'll write about this year's resolutions. It is most likely I won't end up finalizing all of them, still it would be interesting if I wont. That would determine a challenge for myself not to leave goals unaccomplished. But until now, all goals I've set for myself have been accomplished. O-ok, I should stop, I don't like to self-praise.

I don't wanna seem selfish, but some of these wishes might reflect my future. It is my life to be lived, and if i don't know what am I gonna do... then what am I gonna do? Maybe my wishes, to help others and bring a smile on people's face are fantasies, but I won't abandon these wishes. Still, to accomplish them, I have to finish the high school and become someone first.

Some small new year resolutions:

• I wish I could keep on smiling. I wish I could overcome problems with ease. And stand up against problems, even if I'm very clumsy.
• I hope I'll be able to maintain this blog alive. I don't know what may interfere, but I hope I'll keep writing...
• I wish I'll keep being one of the best in my class.
• I wish I could make more people smile. Maybe you're already tired of my kindness XD. But seeing others happy makes me happy. And if I'm not happy, I can't cheer others up.
• I want to set, or at least think of what am I going to do after graduation or College.Until then... there's a high school to be graduated...
• I wish I could continue and eventually finish the book I've started.
• I really want not to make as many mistakes as I've done in 2009. Because I don't want to hurt people around me anymore. If I make mistakes, let it be me the one who shall suffer the consequences, not anybody else. I hope I won't disappoint anyone.
• I wish I could have more time to read. And to hang out with my friends. Also, I'd like to do more spontaneous things.
• Maybe I'll meet someone.
• I definitely have to go to Otaku and Nijikon, isn't it, Budi?

English:
We've already entered 2010 for 3 days. So I decided to take a few moments and wish you a very... smiley year. Whatever that means XD. I wish you could keep on smiling, I wish you could pass on problems with ease. And I wish we could see each other next year, if I'll maintain it that long.

I've already revealed the fact that the blog is transforming into a bilingual one. I've already "threatened" you with this. As you can see after the English part, there is the Romanian original. I've also decided to revise some older posts, because Seba has noticed some grammar mistakes.There is also a new winter themed banner with Santa which you can figure it by yourself, no need to show it. Enjoy the snow 'till it's gone.

Edit: Yay, it's snowing again here.

Now, I will make a short revision of 2009 in my life. If you don't care, don't bother reading ^_^:

• I've graduated middle school. Yay, the graduation party was awesome... Sad moments but beautiful ones. It was the last time I've seen my old classmates. 
• Summer Holiday... the silence before... high school. And a small coming out.
• I've went to Greece.
• Finally High School XD. It started exactly on my birthday... Isn't it awesome? 
• 1st of November: Blog launch is worth mentioning. 
• I've decided to be a lot happier than I used to, to be more positive about everything in my life, to be more optimistic despite all problems I might encounter in the future and I've decided to make people believe they can do that too.
• I've met Budi (Adriana ^_^), Naty, Dani, Seba, Daniela and my new classmates.
• I've seen Vienna and Budapest. 

2009 has been a very awkward year. But very important as well. The first half of 2009 I've been a very absent-minded person. And I used to be pretty sad all the time. Then after the summer, when I've decided to see the good part in everything, despite the fact that I am different, my life has changed. I am now smiling much more, feel more active. I've set my goals according to my new visions.

One of my friends has confessed to me that he likes me more this way, a more mature me, still a happier Me. He said that he thinks this is the true me. I was so happy to hear this. Thanks Nimz for this, it really made my day. You and I have a special friendship, which I hope it will last.