English
I’m writing this post for kiddos that will probably read it and will be in the same situation as I am.

I’d really like to share with you a quote of my friend that describes my childhood thoughts back then and the conclusions I’ve ended up learning in adolescence.

“Once believing that a soul mate and finding true love comes only once in a lifetime, after many years of healing and mental growth… the reality smacked me hard in the face!!! After giving up on the search and becoming content with the path of being single, fate intervened and pushed James and I across each others path, not once but many times over a single month. Giving in to what seemed inevitable; my half-filled heart quickly became full…”

When we’re young we often have this feeling that we’ll never love the way we did before. It sucks to find out that we’re so wrong, I know, but it is the truth. I live this right now. It’s the way we think. You give your everything and wish the relationship will go well, and when it ends you think there will be never the same. Bullshit. What the fuck is love? Do we know to feel it and live it the same at different ages? Personally, I don’t think so.

Mircea Eliade in Maitreyi said: “I loved Norinne for a while, like we, the 24 years old teens do; I’d have hugged her, I’d have danced with her and I’d have kissed her. And that’s all.” We feel and think about love different at different ages? What do you want in love at 16-17? Someone to spend your time, to hang out, to laugh, to joke, to kiss and hug, to miss. Maybe it is a premature phase of love. But is it all?

I don’t think it is, but I aint got the right answer. There must be something more complex than that. Or maybe not.

The right time will come for me, and you, and everyone. We should not expect that the person we start a relationship with to be the one or the other half, it should be someone who might be, and we should do everything for that person to be! It’s a thing that we should accept when starting such thing. Not sure if you got my idea though….

I’ve got at this point where I realize I am writing this post for myself mostly. I write so I can realize that it is for me, and that it kinda helps me get over and clear things up in my head. I hope I’m not pathetic. I’ll continue hoping it will help someone someday.

If there is anything I can remember since then is the fact that I was thinking I won’t be understood, and won’t be accepted. I still ain’t sure that I’ll be accepted as a gay man into this society where just yesterday I’ve heard that if a boy has a thin (?) voice he is gay or that if a man dances different from other guys “he is gay for sure”. You just need some time to find the right people to be your friends. Those who can’t understand you don’t deserve to be your friends, but this also applies to yourself and myself too. If you can’t understand someone then you’re kinda dumb and you should reconsider what you think. It’s not about accepting, it’s about understanding, do you get me? You just have to try and understand and don’t be a smartass thinking you’re superior to others.

If there’s something I’ve learned while I was young is that in Romania, gays that are out are either kinda feminine or want sex mostly. This is the current Romanian gay community, and even if we blame it each other for the way things are right now, we’re still very sexual, not loving people.

Those who are good and really wish for something more and better either convince themselves or are convinced by others that there is no other solutions and become one of the above mentioned category, or remain hidden in the dark where they cry that they never found true love or prefer to negate their sexuality and follow the straight way. I’ve also learned that you will rarely find a serious gay relationship in Romania, just because of the above mentioned stuff.

Do I know what I want? Yes, I do. I want something serious. I want love. Maybe not now, maybe when the right time will come. But I still don’t want to be a human toy for others to be played with. The funny thing is mostly everyone wants that, but still for most of them love means sex in the beginning. For me love means sex in the end when there is love, not because you want to, but because you feel it’s a form of love. The beginning should represent the get-to-know part, acceptance and the start of love. And I’m sure that if I think like this, there are also other people that think like I do, but they are hidden in their closet and that’s why it is so hard to find the right person. Or maybe I am wrong. Maybe it’s not that hard, but that’s what I think.

For a while I was pretty sad and introvert. There were nights that I spent thinking about stuff. Maybe it’s the way it was supposed to happen, I don’t know. So that I can realize all by myself that what is to be done. Honestly, it hurts when I hear phrases like “You can change, you’re lying to yourself, you’re not gay, it’s not normal to be like that”. And it fucking hurts when I know what I’ve been through all these years. And suddenly they appear and teach me what’s wrong and what’s right when my thoughts and feelings have finally been clarified. My opinion is that yes, I’m responsible for what I’m living indeed. My point is that yes, I want to live the truth, not a lie. It is my fault, and for taking this decision I assume the consequences. But isn’t this life? Isn’t life the sum of our decision’s consequences? So why do I worry that much?

I can say that my life has changed dramatically after I’ve got into highschool. In a good way. I’ve started seeing things different. I am more optimistic, happy and fulfilled now. I’ve decided not to regret stuff as much as I used to and make a change to get things as right as I want them to be. I know that a big role has played a very important person in my life which I came out to last year. That person really woke me up and was close to me when I needed her to be. Maybe I own her my save. I’d really like to see her these days and hold her tight and say thanks you for doing such a simple and important thing to me: was there for me and understood me when I didn’t expect her to, but I admit I wished she will. Maybe everyone needs such a person in its life.

Trust yourself. :) You’re creating your own life and the way you want to walk on. Use my words as a guide in your life. Learn from what I said.


Românã

Scriu acest articol pentru pustii care probabil vor citi si vor fi in aceeasi situatie ca mine.

As vrea sa pun aici un citat al unui prieten ce, in mare, imi defineste o parte din gandurile copilariei si concluziile la care am ajuns in adolescenta.

"Odata crezand ca sufletul pereche si adevarata iubire vin o data in viata, dupa multi ani de vindecare spirituala si maturizare, realitatea m-a lovit urat in fata!!! Dupa ce am renuntat la a mai cauta pe cineva si invatand sa fiu multumit cu faptul ca sunt singur, soarta a intervenit si mi l-a adus pe James in drum si nu doar o singura data, dar de mai multe ori. A fost inevitabil, sufletul meu odata plin pe jumatate era acum complet."

Cand suntem tineri aveam acest sentiment ca nu vom mai iubi la fel cum am iubit pe cineva. E naspa sa realizezi ca n-ai dreptate, stiu, dar e adevarul. Trec prin asta acum. Dar cam asa gandim toti. Dai tot ce ai mai bun, pui tot sufletul intr-o relatie, iar cand asta se termina ai senzatia ca nu va mai fi niciodata la fel. Bullshit. Cine dracu` stie ce-i iubirea? Stim sa o percepem la fel la orice varsta? Eu nu cred.

Mircea Eliade in Maitreyi: "Pe Norinne o iubisem si eu intr-o vreme, asa cum iubim noi, tinerii de 24 de ani; as fi strans-o in brate, as fi dansat cu ea si as fi sarutat-o. Atat." Perceptiile iubirii sunt si vor fi altele la diferite varste. La 16-17 ani ce-ti doresti? Pe cineva cu care sa-ti petreci timpul, sa iesi afara, sa glumesti, sa razi, sa te giugiulesti, sa duci dorul. Este poate si asta o faza incipienta a dragostei. Dar este oare totul?

Nu cred, desi nu am un raspuns clar. Trebuie sa fie ceva mult mai complex. Sau poate nu...

Cert e ca va veni si timpul meu si al tau si al tuturor. Nu ar trebui sa ne asteptam ca prima persoana sa fie si cea care va fi aleasa/alesul. Asta ar fi un lucru pe care ar trebui sa il acceptam atunci cand ne implicam intr-o relatie.

Am ajuns pana aici unde realizez ca scriu acest post pentru mine. Il scriu ca eu sa accept acest lucru...lucrez in subconstientul meu... sper ca nu sunt penibil. Voi continua, in speranta ca intr-o zi va folosi cuiva, in special mie.

Daca mai e un lucru pe care mi-l aduc aminte de acum ceva ani este impresia ca nu ma intelege nimeni, ca nu voi fi acceptat asa cum sunt. Inca nu pot fi sigur ca voi fi acceptat ca gay intr-o societate ca cea din Romania, caci doar mai ieri am auzit pe cineva zicand ca daca un baiat are vocea subtire clar e gay, sau saptamana trecuta, pentru faptul ca un tip dansa altfel decat barbatii cu muschi "sigur e gay", insa stiu ca sunt persoane care ma inteleg. E nevoie doar de timp, ca sa cunosti persoanele potrivite pentru a-ti fi prieteni. Cei care nu te inteleg nu merita sa-ti fie prieten, iar asta ti se aplica si tie si mie. Daca nu poti intelege pe cineva, ai mintea cam scurta si ar trebui sa reconsideri ceea ce crezi. Nu trebuie sa accepti, trebuie sa intelegi si sa iti dai macar silinta sa nu fii un nesimtit care se crede superior altora.

Daca am invatat un lucru cat am fost mic, acela a fost ca in Romania, gayii care sunt out si ies prin cluburi sunt fie foarte feminizati, fie doritori de mult sex. Asta e comunitatea gay din Romania actuala, desi ne blamam noi pe noi pentru starea in care suntem, suntem inca foarte sexuali, nu iubitori. Cei care au suflet bun si chiar vor ceva, ori sunt convinsi ca alta situatie nu mai exista si devin ca una din categoriile de mai sus, ori raman ascunsi si isi plang singur de mila ca nu gasesc pe cineva, ori prefera sa nu se afiseze sub aceasta eticheta, urmand calea negarii. Si ca o relatie gay serioasa in Romania este foarte rar intalnita.

Stiu ce vreau? Da, stiu. Vreau ceva serios. Vreau iubire. Poate nu acum, poate cand va fi timpul. Dar nici nu vreau sa fiu o jucarie omeneasca de care sa-si bata joc altii. Faza e ca mai toti vor iubire, dar tot cam pentru toti iubirea inseamna sex la inceput. Pentru mine iubirea inseamna sex la sfarsit din dragoste, nu din dorinta de o face ci pentru ca acesta reprezinta o forma a iubirii. Inceputul ar trebui sa insemne, in opinia mea, adevarata cunoastere, acceptare si iubire. Iar daca eu cred asa, sunt sigur ca mai exista astfel de persoane ca mine, care insa poate nu se afiseaza in public, si de aceea e greu, in opinia mea, sa gasesti "persoana potrivita". Sau poate ma insel. Poate nu e asa de greu... poate asta e doar impresia mea.

Timp indelungat am fost trist... ingandurat, inchis in mine. Au fost nopti pe care le-am pierdut gandindu-ma la aceste chestii. Poate ca asa a trebuit sa se intample, pentru a realiza de unul singur ce e de facut... Sincer, ma doare cand aud sau citesc fraze de genul: "Te poti schimba, te minti singur ca esti gay, nu normal e sa fii asa". Si doare al dracu` de tare pentru ca ei nu stiu cata suferinta a incaput in mine in tot acesti ani. Si vin ei sa-mi dea lectii cand gandurile si sentimentele abia mi s-au clarificat. Parerea mea e ca eu sunt de vina pentru tot ce mi se intampla. Vreau sa spun ca da, vreau sa traiesc adevarul, nu o minciuna. Da e vina mea, iar pentru aceasta decizie va trebui sa imi asum consecintele. Dar oare nu asta e viata? Suma consecintelor tuturor deciziilor pe care le facem? Asa ca de ce sa imi fac eu atatea probleme?

Pot spune ca viata mea s-a schimbat dupa ce am intrat la liceu. In bine. Am inceput sa vad lucrurile diferit, am inceput sa fiu mult mai optimist, fericit si implinit. Am hotarat sa nu mai regret atatea lucruri si sa fac ceva sa schimb lucrurile daca acestea nu au iesit asa cum am vrut. Stiu insa ca un rol important l-a avut si o persoana careia m-am destainuit. M-a mobilizat foarte mult sprijinul acesteia. Poate ca ii datorez gandirea mea actuala. Poate ca ii datorez salvarea mea din declin. Vreau sa o vad zilele astea si sa o strang tare in brate, sa ii multumesc pentru ca a facut un lucru atat de simplu si atat de important pentru mine. A fost alaturi de mine si m-a inteles, desi nu i-am cerut, nu m-am asteptat sa o facã, desi mi-am dorit enorm sa nu ma insel cu privire la reactia ei cand va afla. Poate ca oricine are nevoie de o astfel de persoana.

Ai incredere in tine. :) Tu iti creezi viata si drumul pe care il vei parcurge. Sper ca aceste cuvinte sa va foloseasca.



~Rob
"Paint your own Life and Live in your own world."